ABASH: A high school graduation party.
ABDICATE: To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
ACCOUNT: A Countess's husband.
ACRE: Literally means the amount of land plowable in one day. So in my case it would be four feet by four feet.
ADULT: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
AMNESIA: condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.
ANTIQUE: An item your grandparents bought, your parents got rid of, and you're buying again.
ARBITRATOR (ar'-bi-tray'-ter): A cook that leaves Arby's to work at Burger King.
ATHEISM is a non-prophet organization. -- George Carlin
AVOIDABLE (uh-voy'-duh-buhl'): What a bullfighter tries to do.
BALDERDASH: A rapidly receding hairline.
BARIUM: What we do to most people when they die.
BATHROOM: A room used by the entire family, believed by all except Mom to be self-cleaning.
BEAUTY PARLOR: Places where women curl up and dye.
BOSS: Someone who is early when you are late and late when you are early.
CANNIBAL: Someone who is fed up with people.
CANTALOUPE: Gotta get married in a church.
CAR SICKNESS: The feeling you get when the car payment is due.
CATALOGS: Rails used to build cow fences.
CHICKENS: The only animals you eat before they are born and after they are dead.
CLASSIC: A book which people praise, but do not read.
CLOTHES DRYER: An appliance designed to eat socks.
COFFEE: A person who is coughed upon.
COLLEGE: The four year period when parents are permitted access to the telephone.
COMMITTEE: A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.
COMPROMISE: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.
CONFERENCE: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.
CONTROL (kon'-trol): A short, ugly inmate.
COURTESY: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
DERANGE: Where de buffalo roam.
DICTIONARY: A place where success comes before work.
DIPLOMAT: A person who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you actually look forward to the trip.
DIVORCE: Future tense of marriage.
DOCTOR: A person who kills your ills by pills, and kills you with his bills.
DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.
DUST: Mud with the juice squeezed out.
EGOTIST: Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.
EMERGENCY NUMBERS: Police station, Fire Department and Places that deliver.
Etc: A sign to make others believe that you know more than you actually do.\
ETERNITY: The last two minutes of a football game.
EYEDROPPER (i'-drop-ur): A clumsy ophthalmologist.
EXPERIENCE : The name men give to their mistakes.
FABLE: A story told by a teenager arriving home after curfew.
FAMILY PLANNING: the art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.
FANCY RESTAURANT: One that serves cold soup on purpose.
FATHER: A banker provided by nature.
FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.
FLABBERGASTED: Appalled over how much weight you have gained.
FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him/her.
GOSSIP: A person who will never tell a lie if the truth will do more damage.
GRANDMOTHER: A baby-sitter who doesn't hang around the refrigerator.
GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.
GROCERY LIST:. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.
GUM: Adhesive for the hair.
HAIR DRESSER: Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."
HANDKERCHIEF: Cold Storage.
HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
HEROES (hee-rhos'): What a guy in a boat does.
HINDSIGHT: What one experiences from changing too many diapers.
HORS D'OEUVRES: A sandwich cut into 20 pieces.
IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.
INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.
INFLATION: Cutting money in half without damaging the paper.
KISSING: A means of getting two people so close together that they can't see anything wrong with each other.
LEMONADE STAND: Complicated business venture where Mom buys powdered mix, sugar, lemons, and paper cups, and sets up a table, chairs, pitchers and ice for kids who sit there for three to six minutes and net a profit of 15 cents.
MISER: A person who lives poor so that he can die rich.
MISTY (mis-tee'): How golfers create divots.
MYTH: A female moth.
MOSQUITO: An insect that makes you like flies better.
NAIL POLISH: Part of an assortment of make-up items such as lipstick, eyeliner, blush etc. which ironically make Mom look better while making her young daughter look "like a tramp."
OPPORTUNIST: A person who starts taking bath if he accidentally falls into a river.
OVERSTUFFED RECLINER: Mom's nickname for Dad.
OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.
OYSTER: A person who sprinkles their conversation with Yiddish expressions.
PARADOX (par'-u-doks'): Two physicians.
PARK: Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.
PHILOSOPHER: A fool who torments himself during life, to be spoken of when dead.
POLITICIAN: One who shakes your hand before elections and your confidence after.
POLYGON: A dead parrot.
PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.
PRIMATE (pri'-mate'): Removing your husband from in front of the TV.
PRIVATE TUTOR: Someone who doesn't fart in public.
PROFESSOR: Someone who talks in someone else's sleep.
PSYCHOLOGIST: A man who watches everyone else when a beautiful girl enters the room.
PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.
QUIET: A state of household serenity which occurs before the birth of the first child and occurs again after the last child has left for college.
REFRIGERATOR: Combination art gallery and air-conditioner for the kitchen.
RELIEF (ree-leef'): What trees do in the spring.
RUBBERNECK: What you do to relax your wife.
SCHOOL TEACHER: A disillusioned person who used to think thhe liked children.
SEAMSTRESS: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
SECRET: Something you tell to one person at a time.
SELFISH: What the owner of a seafood store does.
SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.
SKELETON: A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.
SMILE: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.
SPOILED ROTTEN: What the kids become after as little as 15 minutes with Grandma.
STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.
SUBDUED (sub-dood'): Like, a guy who, like, works on one of those, like, submarines, man.
SUDAFED: Brought litigation against a government official.
TOOTHACHE: The pain that drives you to extraction.
TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.
TOMORROW: One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.
TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.
VEGETARIAN: Old Indian word for bad hunter.
YAWN: An honest opinion openly expressed.
YAWN: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.
VUJA DE: The Feeling You've Never Been Here.
WRINKLES: Something other people have. You have character lines.
ZUCCHINI: Vegetable which can be baked, boiled, fried or steamed before kids refuse to eat it.